Category: Aerosmith

January 22, 2010

January 22, 2010 by Cort

It’s rare that I agree with Courtney Love. Typically Courtney is the whorish, smacked out cupie doll of the rock world with three preprogrammed responses to any situation. To get a quote all one needs to do is pull the surgical tubing tied around her arm. Her eyes roll back in her head and she either says, “Who wants to see the rotten meat sleeping bag I call a vagina?” or, “These aren’t track marks, they’re herpes sores. THESE are needle tracks. Oh, and this is the pile of putrid pig guts I call a vagina,” or she says, “waahhhrrrbblllaaabbbbllleeee. Vagina.” But someone unlocked a special message hidden deep within Courtney Love. I think it was hidden right behind the Balrog. The Balrog deep in the shredded, inside out, road kill skunk she calls a vagina. In this special message, Courtney says, "I wanna meet Keith Richards, I’ve never met him. I don’t know what I’m gonna say to him, but I’m gonna touch his liver and I’m gonna let him touch my liver and it’ll be awesome. I’m gonna make him lift up his shirt and I’m gonna say, ’Can I touch your liver?’ And I’m gonna touch where his liver is and see if it’s putrefied or something. I think we both must have incredibly healthy livers. We must!" Yes, Courtney. Let him touch your liver. Let him touch your liver with a nine inch boning knife. But don’t tell him where it is first. Just let him probe around in your guts with his knife, plunging it in over and over again in a never ending quest to find your liver.

And speaking of junkies with filthy vaginas, Steven Tyler. Now, I understand getting pissed at a guy because he torpedoes your band for a second time in three decades by shoving his veins full of cleaning supplies, but there’s some pretty cold shit going on in Aerosmith right now. Back when Steven was in denial about his being addicted to hoovering Vicodin as the reason why he crumpled off the side of the stage at Sturgis like a dry leather bag full of bamboo, Joe Perry said that he and the band were looking for new lead singers. It made sense at the time. Steven’s being a junkie ass bag, we want to play, so we’ll get a new lead singer and Steven work on his Mon-chi-chi raped by a gremlin look. But now that Steven has admitted that he’s a junkie and is in treatment to get clean again, you’d think the band would cut him a break, show a little support for their friend and wait for him to get out of rehab. Especially considering that Joe Perry is a recovering addict himself. But no. They’re still looking for a lead singer and plan on touring without Steven until he gets clean and decides to return. He says they’re planning a tour later this year with an unnamed, and so far un-picked lead singer. He says, "(There's) a few people we've talked to, and we'll see how it goes... As far as auditions go, we'll probably just sit around and have a couple of drinks and see if we get along - because we're already gonna know that they can sing."

And to complete the vagina reference trifecta, for you ladies out there suffering form that not so fresh feeling, just aim your iPhone at your lady bits and get ready for another flood of douche from John Mayer. Yesterday he had some rambling quote about his jerking off being like having the ablity to use the alien weapons in District 9. Today we learn that John Mayer loves looking at big, fat, cock. He says that even though he’s "100 per cent straight as an arrow," he still a dick glancer. He checks dudes out in the locker room or at the urinal. He tells Rolling Stone magazine, "Because of all the porn I've watched, I'm now enamored with what I call 'the third child'. It's not male, it's not female. It's a new creation by way of the hundreds of blow-job films I've seen. There's a new brand of dicks going around right now. It's a new dick. It's a superdick. This superdick is straight and one color, and it seeks to destroy the race of men before them."

November 17, 2009

November 17, 2009 by Cort

There’s a reason why America is a republic and not a democracy. A republic is a representative government where the people are represented by pasty rich white guys who want to corrupt their office by getting their honorable dicks sucked by corporate lobbyists. A democracy, in the classic sense, is mob rule. We as a people vote individually on every measure, rule or bill and as a people decide what’s best for the country. Now the way I’ve laid out those two systems of government you’d think that democracy was the better of the two, but as I said in that first sentence, there’s a reason why republics are better. That reason is that people are fucking stupid. And their stupidity is exponentially magnified when making decisions as a group. As a republic we went to war with Iraq after getting attacked by men from Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia. That’s stupid. But if we were a democracy, after 9/11 we would have decided as a country to bite the head off a chicken, fuck a knothole in a fence, collectively scratch our asses and smell each other’s fingers and light the St. Louis Arch on fire and take turns jumping over it with dirt bikes. That would have been our official response to the attacks on the World Trade Center. So, for as stupid as Bushy’s desperate plea for daddy’s attention (AKA the Iraq War) was, if the decision had been left to mob rule, the result would have been much worse. Case in point. Aerosmith. As we know, Steven Tyler is planning doing something in the spectrum between taking two years off from the band and flat out quitting. And as we also know, Joe Perry and the rest of the band have no intention of waiting around for Steven to quit drinking airplane glue or whatever it is he’s on now, going so far as to suggest that they might be employing a replacement lead singer in the meantime. And so Rolling Stone, in a desperate maneuver regain a modicum of relevance, polled it’s online audience to see who the mob would pick as the new lead singer. The number one pick was Josh Todd of Buckcherry. And I’m pretty sure the only reason why he was picked is because he sort of looks like a young Steven Tyler and people were confused. That has to be the case because no one who has actually heard Buckcherry’s music would pick Josh Todd for anything except being the test pilot of the antibiotic fire hose enema. Also suggested were David Johansen (aka Buster Poindexter), David Lee Roth, Iggy Pop, Johnny Rotten, Meatloaf and last season’s American Idol winner Adam Lambert. And this was just an online poll for Steven Tyler’s hypothetical replacement. If we fuck that up this badly just imagine what we’d do with topic of abortion or war.

And here’s another reason why the corporatization of radio has been nothing but bad for the listening audience. If Led Zeppelin IV were released today, “Stairway to Heaven” would never have been played on the radio. Now, corporate radio has been around a long time. I have never worked in a radio environment that wasn’t heavily influenced by corporate models. The result has been an ever increasing focus on profit and an ever decreasing interest in content or quality. Songs that appeal to the masses (the same mob that thought Johnny Rotten would fit well with Aerosmith) are researched and placed in ultra-heavy rotations, essentially getting pummeled into dust through repetition. But back before I was even born, DJs were the ones picking their own music. That was their job. They weren’t the mindless promotional whores that they are today. Their job was to know music and decide what people should hear. It was also the time long before computers could be programmed to do the job for them. And it was in this low-tech, DJ driven radio that “Stairway” became a hit. And it wasn’t just because it was a psychedellic ballad that morphs halfway through into a weeded out rock epic. According to Zep’s biographer, it was because it was the perfect length to smoke a cigarette. He says, "The song became successful by accident. I had 100 DJs swear to me that they only played the song because they needed a long break to go and smoke a cigarette. If it had been a minute shorter, you couldn't have smoked a full cigarette. If it had been a minute longer, it would have been too long." This, of course, is bullshit because back in 1971 when this record was released, people smoked everywhere, especially in the DJ booth. There was no need to go anywhere to smoke, so those 100 DJs were altering the truth a bit so they didn’t have to say what they were really doing during that 8 minutes. The real reason why people picked “Stairway” is because it’s the perfect length to go take a shit. And in the high cholesterol days of the 1970s, many shits were taken in the middle of a shift, so “Stairway” received a disproportionate amount of airplay, making it into one of the biggest hits of all time.