Category: John Mayer

February 4, 2010

February 4, 2010 by Cort

You know how after a certain point you almost blame the wife in an abusive relationship? After years of taking him back knowing full well that the next time he so much as washes his hands with an alcohol based disinfectant that he’ll start raining fists down on her head like a monsoon made of Mike Tyson, you start to wonder if she actually wants to get beat. Obviously women in this situation don’t WANT to get beat, but after getting her nose caved in for the fifth straight time and still finding a way to justify taking him back, from an outsider’s perspective, it sure seems like someone likes the taste of bloody knuckles. Well, I’m starting to think that the few remaining Guns N’ Roses fans that haven’t utterly given up on Axl’s prima donna bullshit are really just battered women all too eager to take back their man. Because no matter how many times he drops a fat mushroom print on their foreheads they come back again and again. Take for example all the times Axl has made his fans wait an hour or an hour and a half for him to cram himself into his track pants and totter out onstage. And he did it again last Thursday when he made fans wait two hours. At 11:30 he finally came out on stage in a wheelchair giving some cryptic explanation about getting “carried away jumping off shit last night.” He then hopped up and started the show, most of which had to be cut due to time constraints.

“Mom, I have to ask you a question. Do you douche?”

“I sure do, sweetie. Because my ham wallet smells like a Chinese food restaurant dumpster in July.”

“But what do you use? Massengil? Summer’s Eve?”

“Oh, no. Those products can’t deal with a stinky cooch like mine. They’re just vinegar and water.”

“What do you use then?”

“I just hit play on my John Mayer playlist and cram the iPod up the old fish pipe. The fire hose of pure, unfiltered douche from John Mayer’s mouth pressure washes my snatch clean.”

“Gee, thanks mom!”

John Mayer, he cleans out your stanky twat because he’s a douche.

And once again, if you have a not-so-fresh feeling emanating from between your legs, if your cat licks its lips and meows while looking at your crotch, if the dog passes up a chance to roll in road kill to throw itself on your used panties instead, then direct your computer speakers or ear buds toward your rotting clam because I have another story about John Mayer. John says that Tiger Woods’ problem was that he got married, to which the rest of the world said, “No fucking shit.” He says, "If Tiger Woods was single and he texted a girl and said 'I wanna wear your ass like a hat', why would that ever hit the news? I write a lot of dirty text messages to girls, and you've never seen any of them. Why? Because if a girl brought a dirty text message from me to the newspapers, they'd say 'I don't have an angle here. Someone wants to wear your ass like a hat? Big deal. He's 32 years old. He's a single guy. If John Mayer has a wife and sends dirty texts, then we got a story.” No, John, the reason why we haven’t seen those text messages is that women don’t want the world to know they’re screwing John Mayer. Do you think anyone bragged about getting drilled by Joseph Mengela? Of course not! And yes, I did just compare John Mayer to the Nazi Dr. Death. Speaking of women ashamed of having sex with John Mayer, Taylor Swift is refusing to admit she’s going right to the fountain of douche even though they have been inseparable lately. The relationship was confirmed by Kanye West who publicly apologized for kicking in the bedroom door when Swift and Mayer were humping it out and yelling, “Yo, John Mayer. I’m happy for you and Imma let you nut but Taylor Lautner pounded those guts better than anyone.”

January 22, 2010

January 22, 2010 by Cort

It’s rare that I agree with Courtney Love. Typically Courtney is the whorish, smacked out cupie doll of the rock world with three preprogrammed responses to any situation. To get a quote all one needs to do is pull the surgical tubing tied around her arm. Her eyes roll back in her head and she either says, “Who wants to see the rotten meat sleeping bag I call a vagina?” or, “These aren’t track marks, they’re herpes sores. THESE are needle tracks. Oh, and this is the pile of putrid pig guts I call a vagina,” or she says, “waahhhrrrbblllaaabbbbllleeee. Vagina.” But someone unlocked a special message hidden deep within Courtney Love. I think it was hidden right behind the Balrog. The Balrog deep in the shredded, inside out, road kill skunk she calls a vagina. In this special message, Courtney says, "I wanna meet Keith Richards, I’ve never met him. I don’t know what I’m gonna say to him, but I’m gonna touch his liver and I’m gonna let him touch my liver and it’ll be awesome. I’m gonna make him lift up his shirt and I’m gonna say, ’Can I touch your liver?’ And I’m gonna touch where his liver is and see if it’s putrefied or something. I think we both must have incredibly healthy livers. We must!" Yes, Courtney. Let him touch your liver. Let him touch your liver with a nine inch boning knife. But don’t tell him where it is first. Just let him probe around in your guts with his knife, plunging it in over and over again in a never ending quest to find your liver.

And speaking of junkies with filthy vaginas, Steven Tyler. Now, I understand getting pissed at a guy because he torpedoes your band for a second time in three decades by shoving his veins full of cleaning supplies, but there’s some pretty cold shit going on in Aerosmith right now. Back when Steven was in denial about his being addicted to hoovering Vicodin as the reason why he crumpled off the side of the stage at Sturgis like a dry leather bag full of bamboo, Joe Perry said that he and the band were looking for new lead singers. It made sense at the time. Steven’s being a junkie ass bag, we want to play, so we’ll get a new lead singer and Steven work on his Mon-chi-chi raped by a gremlin look. But now that Steven has admitted that he’s a junkie and is in treatment to get clean again, you’d think the band would cut him a break, show a little support for their friend and wait for him to get out of rehab. Especially considering that Joe Perry is a recovering addict himself. But no. They’re still looking for a lead singer and plan on touring without Steven until he gets clean and decides to return. He says they’re planning a tour later this year with an unnamed, and so far un-picked lead singer. He says, "(There's) a few people we've talked to, and we'll see how it goes... As far as auditions go, we'll probably just sit around and have a couple of drinks and see if we get along - because we're already gonna know that they can sing."

And to complete the vagina reference trifecta, for you ladies out there suffering form that not so fresh feeling, just aim your iPhone at your lady bits and get ready for another flood of douche from John Mayer. Yesterday he had some rambling quote about his jerking off being like having the ablity to use the alien weapons in District 9. Today we learn that John Mayer loves looking at big, fat, cock. He says that even though he’s "100 per cent straight as an arrow," he still a dick glancer. He checks dudes out in the locker room or at the urinal. He tells Rolling Stone magazine, "Because of all the porn I've watched, I'm now enamored with what I call 'the third child'. It's not male, it's not female. It's a new creation by way of the hundreds of blow-job films I've seen. There's a new brand of dicks going around right now. It's a new dick. It's a superdick. This superdick is straight and one color, and it seeks to destroy the race of men before them."

January 21, 2010

January 21, 2010 by Cort

Since Byron is here today, it only makes sense that we start with the story about a guy’s masturbatory habits. Unfortunately that man is John Mayer so it’s pretty likely that he opens his mouth and vomits douche into his hand to use as lube. That’s because it seems like any time John Mayer opens his mouth to do anything, a torrent of douche explodes from his vocal chords. He saved a family of five from a house fire by standing in the front yard and explaining to the fire why he and Jennifer Anniston were perfect for each other but they had to break up anyhow because he needed to stuff his dick into Jessica Simpson. Firefighters arrived just in time to throw ropes to the family who, now saved from the searing flames, were drowning in 10 feet of standing douche with thousands of gallons more per second cascading from John Mayer’s stupid fucking hole like a fire hose of vinegar and water. For whatever reason during the course of an interview with Rolling Stone, John got on the topic of whacking off. Fortunately the interviewer had brought scuba gear and a nasty yeast infection so she was able to log the entire quote. Mayer said,

“I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life. The phone doesn’t pick up because I’m masturbating. And I have excused myself at the oddest times so as to not make mistakes. If Tiger Woods only knew when to jerk off. It has a true market value, like gold bullion. First of all, I don’t jerk off because I’m horny. I’m sort of half-chick. It’s like District 9. I can fire alien weapons. I can insert a tampon. No, I do it because I want to take a brain bath. It’s like a hot whirlpool for my brain, in a brain space that is 100 percent agreeable with itself.”

And keeping in the vein of stories to keep Byron’s attention, thanks to Google Street View you can see Wayne Coyne of the Flaming Lips in the bath. Essentially Google Maps gets their Street View images from a van with a four way camera on top taking pictures every 50 feet or so. And these vans just drive down every street in the country taking pictures and on the day that they were rolling down the street in Oklahoma, Wayne Coyne just happened to be sitting in a bath tub in the front yard. Fans verified that it is in fact Wayne because video footage of the same day was uploaded to fan forums. In the picture you can see Wayne in the tub with a huge sign behind him that reads “blob in the bath.” I guess it had something to do with a Halloween party he and his wife were throwing in 2007.

And remember that woman who is stuck with a 2 million dollar fine for downloading 24 songs? She was one of the few people to fight the initial fine levied by the RIAA and her case went all the way to the top and she’s stuck paying the full 2 million. Well, some really bored law student has put together other 7 crimes and their fines to give you a little perspective on 2 million dollars for 24 illegally downloaded4 songs.

1. Child abduction: the fine is only like $25000.
2. Stealing the actual CD: the fine is $2,500
3. Rob your neighbor: the fine is $375,000
4. Burn a house down: The fine is just over $375,000
5. Stalk someone: The fine is $175,000
6. Start a dogfighting ring: the fine is $50,000
7. Murder someone: The maximum penalty is only $25,000 and 15 years in jail, and depending on your yearly salary, would probably be far slighter a penalty that $2 million.

Since Byron is here today, it only makes sense that we start with the story about a guy’s masturbatory habits. Unfortunately that man is John Mayer so it’s pretty likely that he opens his mouth and vomits douche into his hand to use as lube. That’s because it seems like any time John Mayer opens his mouth to do anything, a torrent of douche explodes from his vocal chords. He saved a family of five from a house fire by standing in the front yard and explaining to the fire why he and Jennifer Anniston were perfect for each other but they had to break up anyhow because he needed to stuff his dick into Jessica Simpson. Firefighters arrived just in time to throw ropes to the family who, now saved from the searing flames, were drowning in 10 feet of standing douche with thousands of gallons more per second cascading from John Mayer’s stupid fucking hole like a fire hose of vinegar and water. For whatever reason during the course of an interview with Rolling Stone, John got on the topic of whacking off. Fortunately the interviewer had brought scuba gear and a nasty yeast infection so she was able to log the entire quote. Mayer said,

“I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life. The phone doesn’t pick up because I’m masturbating. And I have excused myself at the oddest times so as to not make mistakes. If Tiger Woods only knew when to jerk off. It has a true market value, like gold bullion. First of all, I don’t jerk off because I’m horny. I’m sort of half-chick. It’s like District 9. I can fire alien weapons. I can insert a tampon. No, I do it because I want to take a brain bath. It’s like a hot whirlpool for my brain, in a brain space that is 100 percent agreeable with itself.”

November 25, 2009

December 1, 2009 by Cort

I can't decide if John Mayer is cool or a fuckin' douche. On the one hand he has sex with hot starlets long enough get a hit single out of them. Cool. On the other hand, the hit singles he gets are inevitably sung by John Mayer, douche. He was on the Chapelle Show. Cool. But he sings like he's squirrelling a half dozen dicks in his cheeks. Douche. He used to dress up in a bear costume and harass clueless people waiting to get into his shows. Cool. You can't go near a grocery store checkout line without seeing his mumbly mug because he only seems to date women he knows will get him in the tabloids. Douche. And this story doesn't help because it seems cool and douchey at the same time. John Mayer says that when he's sad he impulse buys something to help make him feel better, as many people do. And where normal people might impulse buy a new pair of pants or a Naughty By Nature album on iTunes, John Mayer buys Ferarris. And why wouldn't you if you had millions of dollars and the musky stank of Jennifer Anniston wafting up from your crotch? Apparently after drilling Jennifer one last time and saying, "Listen baby, I just don't think it's going to work out because your cooter is dusty and I could probably get Megan Fox if I wanted so see ya," Johnny boy was feeling a little down. Makes sense. He just broke up with a woman that he marginally cared for with the tip of his penis. Why wouldn't he be sad? So, after writing a warbling, unintelligible soft rock hit about the breakup, he decided to stave off that oogie feeling with 600 horses of Italian gluttony.

He said, "Nobody stopped me the day I was real sad - because you don't buy a Ferrari when you're happy; you buy a Ferrari when you're sad. You buy a Ferrari when there's a piece missing inside of you. I bought a Ferrari and drove it to Las Vegas on the day I bought it. What's more ridiculous - putting 600 miles on a black-on-black 599 Ferrari the day you get it, or having somebody call your best friend and ask if you're still dating that girl?"

OK, well, it's pretty clear that story makes him seem super extra douchey, so I suppose it doesn't really muddle the issue at all. I mean the guy’s like that tidal wave at the end of the Abyss, just made of vinegar and water. But how great would it be to buy a Ferrari as an act of self pity then drive to Vegas to rinse the stink of Jennifer Anniston off of you in a tub full of Rashida Jones, who he's now apparently dating.

And speaking of artists that wouldn’t have me pity purchasing a gumball if I found out they died in a terrible meat grinder accident, Lady Gaga. Now, I personally think that Lady Gaga’s music is terrible, and not just in that “I’m an old man and I think anything the kids like is an abomination in the eyes of Ronnie James Dio” sort of way. There’s plenty of the current shitty pop that I like. I have a whole Katy Perry album AND I listen to it. OK, well that’s pretty much the only thing on the charts right now that I listen to. But for as much as I hate Fergie and Rhianna and Shakira in that old man Clint Eastwood with a rifle drinking beer on the front porch hating the universe sort of way, I don’t think they are as symptomatic of the problems with pop music as much as Lady Gaga. Her biggest hit, “Poker Face” is unmitigated crap. And I’m not just saying that because her dick is bigger than mine. And it is. The chick is like John Holmes under that leotard. No, I’m only saying it because it’s true. Lady Gaga is ruining America. That said, she actually did something pretty cool for her fans. She spent $1,000 on 80 pizzas as a treat for fans who had waited all night for her autograph outside a Los Angeles store. Along with the grand she dropped for the pizza she also reportedly tipped very well.