Category: Rolling Stones

March, 12, 2010

March 12, 2010 by Cort

Challenges are easy to issue. You don’t have to get a license with the city, you don’t have to employ the services of a notary and there is no governing body to send out an impartial judge to declare a winner. Challenges are especially pointless when you know that the people challenged will never deem to participate. How about this. I challenge Fatboy and Mike Russell to a pube shaving contest using band saws and hedge clippers. And I declare that in this bout of barbaric barbering that I will show the world that I am truly the master of sculpting my nut hair with heavy machinery and all of human kind will bow before my skills at testicular topiary. Now, I can issue this statement which will cause the audience to turn their attention to Mike and Fatty to see if they accept. As we all know, neither of them have the sack hair to accept and will have to come up with some lame excuse why they don’t want to dangle their yam bags over the spinning death of a rusty, dull band saw blade, which allows me to mock their cowardice while claiming victory. And that’s essentially what Gene Simmons just did to the Rolling Stones and U2 claiming Kiss would crush Mick Jagger and Bono in a stadium duel. "I would love to play on the same stage as U2, the Stones and anybody out there who considers themself a world champion. You come on up on that stage with us, baby. Show me what you got, and then we'll show you what the big boys do." The big boys. Gene, this fight was over before it started. The fight has been fought and you lost. Maybe you didn’t share a stadium, but you played many of the same venues. Take a look at sales and revenues from those tours over the last decade. The Rolling Stones remain one of the biggest selling acts in the world. U2 was the top grossing act for 2009. KISS is a travelling 4th of July carnival. If you want to do this right, take off the make-up again and then tour. See if you can put on the same level of show as Bono and Jagger without the kabuki makeup and the fireworks.

And in KISS related new, KISS is about to get its own children’s show. Little is known about the show other than it is in development with Canadian production company E1 Television. Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley will serve as executive producers of the yet-to-be-titled half-hour series, which they hope will expose the group to a new generation of consumers.

And Juggalos, it’s been confirmed, you’re retarded. ICP appeared on Nightline with Martin Bashir who asked them if they felt their lyrics about rape and murder were in any way to blame for rapes and murders carried out by their fans. Bashir, who calls ICP's music "prepubescent" and "illiterate," points to at least four recent Juggalo-related arrests for homicide or murder, including the case of 21-year-old Pennsylvania resident Michael Goucher, who was killed last February after having been stabbed with a knife and a meat cleaver more than 20 times. The two arrested for the murder identified themselves as Juggalos -- one was even wearing an ICP shirt when he was arrested… and had written a rap about the murder itself. Shaggy 2 Dope thinks fans who take their lyrics literally are "grown retards," while Violent J says, "We don't encourage anybody. We have face paint on. We are entertainers. If any of our fans kill somebody, please don't buy any more of our records. Get out of our lives -- you're a sicko." Violent J, you fucking half-wit. The correct answer to the question is, “Hey fans, don’t kill, rape or beat anyone, ever,” note, “If you kill people don’t buy any more of our records.” Actually, I take it back, the correct answer to the question is putting a plastic bag over your head, crawling ina gunny sack, having it sewn shut and jumping in the nearest large body of water. Your music sucks, your fans suck, your schtick sucks and it sucks even when KISS do it. Stop sucking.

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November 19, 2009

November 19, 2009 by Cort

Some bands aging rock stars insist on making new records full of mediocre-at-best songs whether anyone asked for them or not. What's not entirely clear to me is how aware they are of the situation. By that I mean, do the Rolling Stones crank out crappy, pointless record after crappy, pointless record KNOWING that the album will only serve as a reason for content starved magazines to talk about them and their obligatory supporting tour? Or do they think that people actually want to hear new Rolling Stones music? Are they self aware enough to know that the digital turds they're grunting out in a London studio are nothing more than a means to a promotional end or have their yes men and record reps so snowed them as to make them believe that the world is clamoring for yet another record that will fail to capture the genius of Let It Bleed or Sticky Fingers? Well, regardless of whether Mick knows his records suck or not, the thing that he and his band mates are absolutely clear on is that when it comes to playing those songs in concert, they had better make sure they're book-ended by Jumpin' Jack Flash and Brown Sugar. Unfortunately that’s a lesson that Yusaf Islam (AKA Cat Stevens) just learned. See, Yusaf has been out of the game for a while. Back in the day he could slide his balls down a sitar and it would go to number one and the weeded out fans in the crowd would demand him to do a 30 minute freestyle interpretive jazz remix. But after walking away from music for a couple of decades, because he somehow thought God gives a crap what vocation you choose, Yusaf failed to realize that as fans age they become more picky, impatient and a hell of a lot more demanding, especially when they're dropping $50 a seat on a Sunday night. Yusaf committed the cardinal sin on set list building during his show in Ireland. He started off strong with a parade of hits and then about half way through broke it down for a 40 minute performance of only new stuff. Now, being his big comeback tour and playing for the first time in 33 years in Dublin, fans were respectful but did express their disappointment with some harshly worded comment cards, right? Oh, no, wait, I'm thinking of Canada. This is Ireland, so people booed, threw things and chanted "We're bored" before walking out. Apparently he did get the hint. He wrote on his blog, "Philosophically and educationally I have gained something from the experience, so has the public generally, and we can now move on to the next gig a bit more prepared. But to not expect me to sing my favourite new songs, from two carefully and thoughtfully created albums, and demand a 'Beam me up Scotty' return to the Cat Stevens persona of yesterday, is more than any amount of imagination can hope for."

Here's a band who knows how to treat the fans: Public Enemy. Public Enemy recently performed on the back of a flatbed truck driving through the streets of Washington DC to raise awareness for homeless youth. And I know this isn't the first time they've done something like this. Public Enemy have been fans of the free block party shows in the past and I have to wonder if it isn't things like this that have kept the band alive all this time.